Fourth Trimester

My fourth trimester ends next week. Xiao Mei will be three months old. For me, the end of the fourth trimester marks the end of the transition from pregnancy to mommy, from completely dependent newborn to a slightly more independent baby. I assumed by this point I would be more or less back to normal, physically and emotionally. I assumed that by now I would be an awesome, capable mommy and the bug and I would be in sync. I assumed by now I would have my head above water. Ha ha ha ha ha. “Funny Yin, you’re crazy,” say the voices in my head.

Here is my fourth trimester report card:

Emotional: Thankfully, the crazy highs and lows of the first few weeks are finished. Life is more rich and beautiful with XM in it. I can’t imagine life without her—she’s an old friend. I already feel much more emotionally mature than I did before I had XM. There is much more at stake in life now. It is challenging and frightening.

Synchronicity: It seems that as soon as we get a routine established, XM will change things up just for fun. Nevertheless, we are on a rudimentary schedule. She nurses approximately every two hours, and usually wakes up and goes to bed at the same time each day. She consistently gives me five to six hours of sleep before she wakes up for her night-time feeding. She does not nap at the same time during the day, but we are getting closer to a nap schedule.

Physical: Yikes. Did you ever wonder what a belly like a bowl full of jelly was like? I never wondered, and I never cared. Tragically for me, I now know exactly what a belly like a bowl full of jelly is like. It’s icky. Santa must be a woman, post partum. I assumed the icky belly would be gone by now. It’s not.

I inadvertently launched my return to running last Saturday. Yang was home with XM, so I took the opportunity to go for a walk around our neighborhood. I was feeling good, so I wandered quite a ways away before I started making my way back home. Well, it started raining. Hard. The rain poured into my eyes and down my back, my runners filled with water, and my socks were squishy. I thought I was a good Portlander, one who would not be bothered by the rain. I’m not. So, I started running and kept running until I reached home. My legs still hurt, three days later.

I hope one day I will return to the size and shape I was before I had XM, but I’m not holding my breath.